


The Warlord, The Douchebag, and The (Not) Hooker

by whiskygalore



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Bottom Jensen Ackles, Chad being Chad, Humor, M/M, spn_masquerade
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-08
Updated: 2020-05-08
Packaged: 2021-03-02 20:48:18
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,442
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24073219
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/whiskygalore/pseuds/whiskygalore
Summary: Warlord Jared is in a bad mood. They've been besieging the city for months and he just wants to win this battle. His second in command Chad decides Jared needs some cheering up.
Relationships: Jensen Ackles/Jared Padalecki
Comments: 11
Kudos: 159
Collections: SPN_Masquerade Spring 2020





	The Warlord, The Douchebag, and The (Not) Hooker

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the following prompt for spn_masquerade. Many thanks to the awesome prompter! 
> 
> Warlord Jared is in a bad mood. They've been besieging the city for months and he just wants to win this battle. His second in command Chad decides Jared needs some cheering up. He brings hapless villager Jensen to Jared's tent. Jared's usually not a fan of terrorizing the country folk, but Jensen's just too pretty to let go again. Up to the author if this is dark or more lighthearted with Jensen totaly being into it.

  
  
  


The scuffle outside Jared’s door can have only one cause. 

Fucking Chad.

Jared sighs and pushes himself away from his desk. It’s not as though he doesn’t have enough on his hands right now without Chad being his normal irritating self; this shithole city simply refuses to surrender. Jared honestly can’t understand why. As far as warlords go, Jared’s a good guy. A hundred times better than the narcissistic moron who’s in charge right now anyway. 

“Stop wriggling, bitch!” Chad’s voice, pitched an octave higher than normal, is impossible to ignore. Throwing open his door to see what all the fuss is, Jared is almost elbowed in the throat by a whirlwind of thrashing limbs. 

Jared ducks, grabs blindly, and ends up with an armful of struggling kid. 

“Get the fuck off me you fucking fucker,” the kid yells, spinning around in an attempt to dislodge Jared’s grip. 

That’s when Jared catches his first brief glance of clear green eyes, pillow-soft lips and a sprinkling of freckles that the sun has blessed upon the prettiest face he has even seen. 

That face doesn’t actually belong to a kid, thankfully. Now that Jared can see the boy more clearly he realises he’s a man. A young one. Barely out of his teens if Jared had to guess, but certainly not the youngster that his slim frame and narrow hips first suggested. He looks a little malnourished, no doubt thanks to the siege that Jared is kind of possibly maybe a tiny bit responsible for. 

Jared is jolted out of his appreciative, if somewhat guilty, musings when the guy manages to wriggle free, immediately launching himself towards Chad. Or perhaps towards the door which Chad is standing in front of. 

“I’m gonna kill you, you skeevy son of a whore.”

From the young man’s furious yell and well-aimed punch at Chad’s nose, Jared deduces that he is indeed aiming for Chad and not the door.

“Actually,” Jared says, quickly stepping in to haul the kid off his idiot best friend. “Chad’s mother is very happily married. Skeevy…. well, that I guess I can’t argue with.”

“Fugin hell,” Chad cries, clutching at his face. “Sobebody fugin shood the liddle badard.”

“Nobody’s shooting anybody,” Jared commands. Partly towards the two guards standing behind Chad with their hands on their weapons and partly to assure the struggling kid that he’s safe. The kid thanks him by biting Jared’s hand before once again twisting out of Jared’s arms and sliding free. He bolts to the other side of the room, slipping behind Jared’s desk before anyone can stop him. 

“You bit me,” Jared says indignantly, looking down at the tooth-shaped indents in his hand. 

“Cad we shood the fugger dow?” Chad asks, taking a paper tissue from one of the guards and shoving it up his nose in an effort to staunch the flow of blood. 

“No,” Jared snaps. And then, with great restraint, he takes a deep breath and holds his hands up. “No. There’s going to be no shooting. Just… let’s all calm down, okay.”

Jared’s stapler flies across the room and catches Chad in the middle of the forehead. 

The cross-eyed look of surprise on Chad’s face would be hilarious in other circumstances. Oh screw it, it’s still hilarious. Jared hasn’t been so entertained in years. 

“I’m godda gill you, you liddle-“

“No-one is killing anyone,” Jared repeats sharply, and then ducks out of the way as his own diary skims past his nose. “Dude, enough,” he barks at the mutinous looking kid standing behind his desk. “Just chill the fuck out, and for the love of god, someone explain to me what’s going on.”

“He,” the kid jabs his finger in Chad’s direction, “kidnapped me.”

Dear God, Jared should have known better than to let Chad go out unchaperoned.

The kid carries on. “And then the pervy fucker groped me and told me he hoped my ass wasn’t as tight as it looked because otherwise his boss’s dick was going to break me.”

“Jesus fucking Christ.” Jared tugs at his hair and glares at his idiot of a best friend. 

“Dere was do groping,” Chad says, as adamant as a guy can be when his nose is stuffed with tissues. “He was squirmy. Id wad an accidend!”

“And the kidnapping?” Jared asks, not even thinking about his dick and the kid’s ass because that’s all kinds of wrong. And hot. And yeah… Jared isn’t an angel but he’s never stooped to fucking anyone who wasn’t fully on board with the idea. As Chad should definitely know. 

Chad shrugs. “I dought he would cheer you ub.” A flying pen whacks Chad in the ear.

“Hey!” Chad yells, so red in the face by now Jared is seriously worried about his friend’s blood pressure.

“Sorry,” the kid says, with a smirk that makes him look as far removed from sorry as it’s possible to get. “I was aiming for your eye.” Then he let’s fly Jared’s empty coffee mug. 

With a flick of his wrist and lightning sharp reflexes, Jared snatches it out of the air as it swoops past his head. Jared stares at the mug in his hand in quiet shock. He doesn’t know who’s more impressed by his objectile-interception skills, him, the kid, or Chad. 

“Dude,” Chad says. “Dat wad cool.”

“Pfft,” the kid huffs, with an unimpressed roll of his eyes. “Lucky catch.”

Probably not the kid then. The kid who’s now scouring Jared’s desk in search of something else to throw. The silver letter opener would have been the first thing that Jared chose as far as office-supply-weapons go, but it’s apparently only now that he spots it. 

“Don’t do it,” Jared warns him. Throwing pens is one thing, throwing what’s essentially a knife, is another. 

The kid grabs it anyway. “Listen up, assholes, if you think I’m gonna just come quietly while you offer my ass up to your ugly-ass evil overlord, you can think again. I’d rather off myself than let Padalecki anywhere near me. Goddamn baby eating monster.”

It takes Jared a minute to make sense of the kid’s words. 

“Baby eating?” Is all he can come up with once he does. 

“I’ve heard the stories,” the kid snarls, waving the letter opener in front of him. “Padalecki the Persecutor, Jared the Unjust, the Slayer Sasquatch: murders all the men, rapes all the women, and eats the babies every time he overruns a city.”

Jared’s eyebrows hit his hairline. “Sounds like a busy guy,” he notes wryly.

The kid’s eyes narrow, and the letter opener twitches in his fingers. Chad noticeably flinches. Jared prepares to duck.

“It’s not funny,” the kid says.

“Id’s a liddle fuddy,” Chad butts in. 

Jared sighs. Looks like he needs to work on his PR in these parts. No wonder the local citizens are so intent on keeping him out, and their lying scumbag dictator in. Seriously. Padalecki the persecutor… it’s not even a cool name.

“Look...” Jared holds his arms out to the side as he inches toward the kid. “I swear that’s all bullshit. I’ve never eaten a baby in my life. Or raped anyone.” He doesn’t say he’s never killed anyone, because that would be a downright lie. But it’s not like he gets a kick out of it. “I’m not a monster.”

The kid squints at him. “Well, duh, obviously. Padalecki’s the baby eating monster. His minions are just brainless assholes.”

“Hey,” Chad complains. “I’m dot an addhole.”

Jared would have argued the brainless part of that rather than the asshole, but whatever. 

The kid’s eyes narrow dangerously, the letter opener stabbing through the air in Chad’s direction in time with his words. “You. Kidnapped. Me.” 

Jared subtly inches a step closer towards his desk. “Look, there’s obviously been some kind of misunderstanding here.”

The kid and Chad snort simultaneously and then try to kill each other with eerily similar glares. It’s kind of creepy.

“Okay, so, introductions,” Jared continues, ignoring them both. “This is my friend, Chad. He’s a douchebag. But I promise you he doesn’t usually go around kidnapping people. You are...?”

Jared shoots the kid his most angelic smile, and thinks charming thoughts.

“Jensen,” the kid eventually supplies, returning Jared’s smile with a flinty glare. “Jensen Ackles. And I don’t usually go around getting kidnapped.”

“Okay, Jensen.” Jared nods approvingly at Jensen’s reluctant cooperation. “That’s a cool name. Unusual. Pretty. It suits you. And I’m Jared. Jared Padalecki. And I don’t eat babies. Or rape women. Actually, I don’t have sex with women at all because I don’t swing that way. But, I don’t rape men either. There is no raping ever. I promise. Because that’s gross. And wrong. And not the way we do things. And let's be honest, I’m hot as hell and my dick is awesome so I’d never need to force anyone to do anything. I have men lining up to suck my dick, swear to God.” Jared’s rambling, he’s aware, but seems unable to stop. And if he never utters the word rape again, it’ll be too soon. 

Thankfully, Jensen interrupts him. “ _You’re_ Jared Padalecki?” 

Jared shifts uncomfortably under the weight of Jensen’s appraising once over. “Yes, I am.”

Jensen laughs, shoulders shaking and head thrown back. Jared has the overwhelming desire to suck a bruise into the pale curve of his throat.

“No fucking way, man. Padalecki is an ugly ass giant with, y’know, the sharp teeth and the arrrgh.” Jensen mimes something that is probably supposed to be some kind of growling monster with claws, but as far as Jared is concerned looks more like an adorably grumpy kitten. 

“Padalecki is a raving psycho,” Jensen continues. “And you… you’re…”

“I’m..?” 

Jensen tilts his head. “Well, to be honest, you are pretty hot.”

Jared preens. 

“I mean… if you weren’t one of the bad guys and planning on sacrificing me to a baby-eating despot I’d totally want to climb you like a tree. Especially if you’re… proportional.” 

If anyone else stared at his crotch the way Jensen was, Jared would feel incredibly uncomfortable. Now, he’s half tempted to rip his pants off and show Jensen that he’s more than proportional, thank you very much. 

“Knew id,” Chad crows from the doorway. “I cad spod a hooker wid a size-kink a bile away.”

“A hooker?” Jensen says, voice sharp. “What the hell? I’m not a goddamn hooker!”

Chad scoffs. And Jared can already tell he’s away to say something unwise. “Dude, wid dose cock-suckin libs? And dad ass? Course du are.”

Jensen launches himself towards Chad with the letter-opener gripped tightly in his fist and a flurry of expletives on his pretty lips. It’s just as well he has to navigate the desk otherwise he probably would have stabbed several holes in Chad before Jared could stop him. As it is, Jared manages to tackle him to the floor and shake the letter opener out of his hand before he can do any damage. 

“Dude,” Chad whines. “He wad going do stab be.”

“I know,” Jared says, distracted by how gorgeous Jensen is this close up. How very green his eyes are. How pink his lips are. How plump. How soft. How very very kissable.

“Wid de pointy end!”

“I know, Chad,” Jared repeats absently, utterly engrossed in how deliciously Jensen’s wriggling underneath him. He’d feel bad for taking advantage of the kid, but Jensen’s wriggling has turned from struggling to escape into grinding his crotch up against Jared’s now hard dick. 

“God,” Jensen gasps, his cheeks flushing and eyes darkening. “You _are_ proportional.”

“Jay! Oh cobe on,” Chad complains. “I don’d wanna see dis.”

“Get out, Chad,” Jared returns. “And take the rest of my minions with you.”

“Dot a fuckin binion.” Jared hears Chad grumble just before his office door slams shut.

“Jay?” Jensen gasps, his eyes fluttering shut as he wraps his legs around Jared’s thighs. 

“Yeah?”

“You’re not...uhh.” Jensen shivers as Jared scapes his teeth down the hinge of his jaw. “You’re not actually Jared Padalecki, right?”

“Sorry,” Jared says, stopping his hips from thrusting down against Jensen’s for a second so he can concentrate on something other than the hot press of Jensen’s dick against his own. He hasn’t been so close to coming in his pants since he was a teenager. “But I am. Can I kiss you, please?”

Jensen bites at his bottom lip for a second, obviously conflicted. It does nothing to cool Jared’s ardour. “But, you don’t eat babies, right?”

“I prefer candy,” Jared says honestly, and then flashes Jensen a lecherous grin. “Or ass, I could eat ass for hours. Especially yours.”

Jensen whimpers, then surges up to press his lips against Jared’s. And god, the kid might not be a hooker but he knows how to kiss like a fucking pro. The kiss is hot and dirty and Jensen can do things with his tongue that have to be illegal. Jared barely even notices that Jensen has somehow managed to reverse their positions and is now astride him until Jensen cruelly pulls away. 

Jared is at least proud to note that Jensen looks just as flustered as Jared feels. His face flushed pink and pupils so big they almost consume the green of his eyes. “God,” Jensen exhales. 

“Not quite,” Jared laughs breathlessly. 

Jensen rolls his eyes and then drags his shirt over his head leaving him half-naked and even more irresistible. Jared grabs Jensen’s hips, grinding his ass down over Jared’s straining dick. “Are you sure you weren’t sent here to kill me?”

Jensen smirks. “My ass hasn’t killed anyone yet.”

The reply is lighthearted but Jared growls at the thought of Jensen with anyone else. He flips them back over easily, Jensen’s back hitting the floor with a thud. 

Jensen’s smirk doesn’t dim. “Maybe there is a little Sasquatch in you after all, huh?” 

“You sure you want to find out?” Jared says, ridding himself of some of his own layers. 

“If it means you taking off your pants, then hell yes,” Jensen says, plucking eagerly at Jared’s belt.

The moan of approval he makes when he finally gets his eyes, and hands, and mouth, on Jared’s dick is something that Jared will remember and replay until his dying day.

And maybe this doesn’t solve the problem of his so-far failed siege, but when Jared is finally balls deep inside Jensen’s perfectly tight ass, listening to him wax lyrical about the Sasquatch proportions of Jared’s dick, he has to admit that just occasionally Chad’s bad ideas have a very happy ending.

  
  


**_FINIS_ **

Thank you for reading! ❤️


End file.
